Reading a new book, In Constant Prayer by Robert Benson

This is a wonderful book that I am supposed to review by Thomas Nelson. It has to do with the keeping of the offices/or the scheduled constantcy of prayer in one's life each day. This is my first day of reading and it says that one should turn to prayer several times a day going from Psalms, Scriptures, and then reading and prayer. This I will do.

Today (Monday, December 27, 2010)

12:00
Psalm:40:1-4 God lifted me out of my mire, set my feet on a firm path and steadied me. He gave me a new song to sing and now many will hear and be in awe of him.

Scripture Jeremiah 6:16 Stand at crossroads and look. ASkfor the ancient paths. Ash where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.

Prayer: I pray that i shall find something to hold on to. I am so adrift. I want to sing a new song in my way--not faked, and want to find the right one for me.

2:00
Psalm: 138:;3 When I pray, you answer me, and encourage me by giving strength I need.

Scripture: Let there be light and there was light and God saw the light, that it was good. This very day, theLord has acted. May his name be praised.

Prayer: I pray that I will be faithful on my journey and find something to hold on to.

6:00 p.m.
Psalm119 "Nothing is perfect except your words."

Scripture: 2 Timothy 5: "Stir into flame the strength and boldness which is within you that entered into you when I laid my hands upon you and blessed you.

Daily Work and Prayer: (Chapter 3) In early days, and in monasteries, prayers were said 7 times a day. Benson says to master the morning and evening prayer. The word "office" comes from "offering" and we are giving God our prayer offerings. An offiice begins with a versicle or call to prayer such as "Open our lips and our mouths shall proclaim your praise." Find a prayer book to use.

My prayer: I pray that I will seek to find...earnestly seek to find.

An Update on Serving one another

A few weeks ago I quoted Donald Miller's blog on point 5: Serve one another and announced that I was going to contact everyone in some way in the family. This I have done mostly in some fashion. I felt a sense of accomplishment. Just looking at the facts, Maam (as Sgt. Joe Friday used to say on Dragnet):

I have contacted most all the family by email but done it not as a group and most have responded and told me about their plans. This includes Britt, Carole Jane, Bailey, Beth, Allen, Rose Marie, Jim Cooper and Leigh. I have talked by phone to Catherine. I have sent cards to Brad and to Pam. I have FB Amy Galemore an sent congrats on getting her Masters. I have also emailed Suzanne. I made a date for a Fox concert in St. Louis and invited all the nieces who live in St. Louis. Betty Ann, Susan, Sara and I went up for it; we invited Janice, Britten, Julie and Leigh but all said that they had other things to do. We actually invited Jamee to drive up with us and meet Janice there but she could not go. She said that she could not leave her parents but Janice had an office party that day.

Then the next day, Sara and I went to Charleston, ate lunch with Betty Ann and went to see Julia and Joker and had a nice visit. We tried to see Betty but she was not at home and we tried to call her. We left chocolate covered cherries for her on the porch.

So, no matter, what the responses, I do feel that I have done, this Christmas week, as much as I can do to show that we are family. I feel that Daddy and Mama would say to me, "You've taken a step--now give them a chance to take a step--and then take another step--no matter what they do! And yes, I went to see Jennie and I went to see Annie with presents!

Merry Christmas!

Time to get back to this

We started on the words of Donald Miller for resolving conflict and after a break, it becomes "Serve one another". You pick out a date to aim for and you try to serve everyone in need in that time (and that means all). Christmas is the logical time to do this. So beginning December 1, I am making an attempt to contact everyone in the family--nieces and nephews --and make this personal.

Sara and I are planning a christmas visit to St. Louis so we are inviting Betty Ann, Susan, Leigh and Julie and Jamee and Janice. We know that Leigh and Julie already have plans but they were invited. And that is a start. I sent Betty Hearnes a note about Gary Forsee's wife, Sherry, illness and told her that I miss her and hope to see her during Christmas. I have been out with Annie several times. I have talked with Catherine and Jennie on the phone and have been talking by email with Jim Cooper and Jennie.

I am remembering to "Serve one another" and each time, it should be done in a special way that is not intended to serve as a blanket note. Miller urges us not to try to control the situation, a mistake that many people made--allow each person to make their decision for themself in a way that will not cause more pain.

Putting me back together again!

As I deal with putting pieces together, the first one I need to put together is myself. So I went back for the first time,t o the University for Homecoming weekend. I even went t the Breakfast and then did the Parade. Dobbins came up and we hugged and kidded each other. I am sure that many eyes were on us so they can draw their own conclusions. It was fun. Parade was fun. Bill Stacy was in the next entry with the Class of l960. I did not go to the luncheon or to fb game. We are in line for the conference champs.

I was reading an article on web "4 ways to Mend a Family Feud".

1-- Forgive and forget. You have to forget the grudge if you want the family to move on. That is the same as the University family. No one wants to play the game of appeasing one over the other. It is not their struggle.

2 -Make the first move -- I did this in the case of Ken Dobbins, Bill Stacy, and Betty Hearnes. I hope that I was big enough to take that step. Life is uncertain in its length. I can live knowing I had made that move no matter what else. It helps me mentally.

3. Get to the heart of the matter. He says it may take counseling but that is not going to happen in our case. I don't know that I will ever get to the heart of the matter with any of these involved.

4. Time may heal all wounds. Keep trying. Don't give up the first time. Give everyone space and time to find and heal their own wounds. Find your space and live in it.

The Plot Thickens and so do the players

I was up until midnight last night talking with people about this Board of Regents appointment. I finally went to sleep and kept laughing. I can live with getting this or not getting this with no trouble, either way. That is a good place to be. But I have them (Dobbins, Al Spradling, and Bill Holland) in the crosshairs and they cannot win. They can just lose more or lose less.

Bekki Cook emailed me last night and said that Al Spradling called her yesterday morning and wanted her to get in the mix --she said that she was not interested in the position and that she had sent a letter of support in for me. Spradling went on saying that I did not like Dobbins and that they needed someone in the position who would agree more with Dobbins --later she emailed me another email saying that it seemedto be coming from Bill Holland more than Dobbins.

I emailed Sen. Jason Crowell and he said that he would never support Al Spradling for a re-appointment and he knew he would have to get out in January. He has told many people that he would be supporting me and he will do so. Here is the crosshairs: If they get in and mess it up for me, they will have to answer big time to me and to all the people who wrote letters for me. Jason said I could bring Dobbins down in three days. If they get in and I get it, they will have to do a real battle with me on the Board.

Anyway, now that I have the facts that they are messing in the system, their goose is cooked either way. The plot thickens. Just the strategic thing that takes my mind off the family problems. I don't care what happens to these people --they are fodder.

Need more time to ponder what to do, what to do!

I wish I had all the answers today like these smiling pumpkins. I have e-mails from Leigh and from Bailey from Sunday night and I have still not answered them. I have not clarified in my mind what I should say to either one of them. I keep wavering and I want to do what is right in my mind. I do not want to be defensive; neither do I want to act like I was just waiting for them to write and then I would make everything right. That is way too simple. Until I feel good about my answer, I will not write anything.

So, happy birthday Catherine and Emily and enjoy your day profusely! Much love.

Take some time to Grieve -- Donald Miller

Point number 4 is: Take some time to grieve. If there's conflict, it's likely because somebody, or something ( a vision or a desire) has died. Moving on too quickly is not helpful. Give yourself a great deal of time to grieve what has been lost. Giving yourself permission to grieve will stop the voices of condemnation for feeling so weak. Weakness after a loss is part of the healing process, and so it should be associated with strength.

The stages of grief are well known: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Accepptance. There is a real grief, also, when there is a schism in the family especially when it is wildspread. I agree with that. Maybe I have been thru all these and are ready for acceptance. I hope so. The vision has changed for family unity. I want what we used to have -- a feeling that we had something in common/love/acceptance but the truth is, that is gone and probably eased out when Mama died. No one stepped in to fill the void because no one could.

Julia and Velna both were dealing with health problems. Betty was dealing with Warren's early dementia and Lynn' s problems with drugs and money. I was dealing with keeping my head above water in work, always dealing mentally with my divorce; Jim was dealing with his retirement and living in St. Louis. Jennie was dealing with too much booze, Annie's and Allen's problems and her own retirement and resentment of her sisters. Rose Marie had removed herself from any family connection. So no one was left to keep the family together and it kept falling into disrepair, without our recognizing what was happening. We would make temporary band-aid surgeries for Velna's funeral and for Warren and Lynn's funerals but the family never came together in spirit. The closest we came was that Betty, Jim, Betty Ann and I came together but this completely shattered when Betty told me I had to leave her house.

So that is where we are. There was more and more fall out--The altercation between Julia's children and me over Lynn's purse, the birthday party for Joker that Betty and I were not invited to, Betty calling Suzanne to sit on the front row with her at Lynn's funeral, the snub that Julie did to me when I went up to see Betty and her criticism of me, Jim Cooper and Betty Ann the day Betty had her stroke, the continued actions of Annie and her mother which led to involving Bailey, all of these have played a part including the actions of Betty and Julie saying ugly things about Emily. Looking at all this, it makes one think that we cannot get thru this and we cannot without prayer and without forgetting the hurts and moving on because it's the right thing to do.

Grief over a death, divorce or estrangement always means moving on from where we are. People die, and divorce but life continues for those left behind. The best example of people whohave not been drawn into this is Velna's children and they have clung to each other thru it all. Right now, of the siblings, the only person I feel an attachment for is Jim. I know that Jennie and Rose Marie are fine with me. I think Julia would be okay with me but I can't talk to her because of the antics of Joker and she has no time for anything else. Betty is not willing to admit to her problems and she never will be. I have showed, in my mind, that I hold no schism with her. I went to dinner with her and I went to Warren's dedication in Charleston.

I can accept the reality of all of these losses but I don't want to. I want to put the pieces of our lives back together but I don't know how or could not figure out what to do next. My prayer today is that we can find an answer between the four of us to know what to do next and then do it instinctively.

I pulled up the site about grieving and it said, "When people suggeest 'looking on the bright side" or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny those emotions. Then it willl take longer for healing to take place." The article recommends that one have a close circle of friends and family, eating a balanced diet, cutting out alcohol and getting exercise and rest.

I pray for a sense of peace for all the members of the family.