Point number 4 is: Take some time to grieve. If there's conflict, it's likely because somebody, or something ( a vision or a desire) has died. Moving on too quickly is not helpful. Give yourself a great deal of time to grieve what has been lost. Giving yourself permission to grieve will stop the voices of condemnation for feeling so weak. Weakness after a loss is part of the healing process, and so it should be associated with strength.
The stages of grief are well known: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Accepptance. There is a real grief, also, when there is a schism in the family especially when it is wildspread. I agree with that. Maybe I have been thru all these and are ready for acceptance. I hope so. The vision has changed for family unity. I want what we used to have -- a feeling that we had something in common/love/acceptance but the truth is, that is gone and probably eased out when Mama died. No one stepped in to fill the void because no one could.
Julia and Velna both were dealing with health problems. Betty was dealing with Warren's early dementia and Lynn' s problems with drugs and money. I was dealing with keeping my head above water in work, always dealing mentally with my divorce; Jim was dealing with his retirement and living in St. Louis. Jennie was dealing with too much booze, Annie's and Allen's problems and her own retirement and resentment of her sisters. Rose Marie had removed herself from any family connection. So no one was left to keep the family together and it kept falling into disrepair, without our recognizing what was happening. We would make temporary band-aid surgeries for Velna's funeral and for Warren and Lynn's funerals but the family never came together in spirit. The closest we came was that Betty, Jim, Betty Ann and I came together but this completely shattered when Betty told me I had to leave her house.
So that is where we are. There was more and more fall out--The altercation between Julia's children and me over Lynn's purse, the birthday party for Joker that Betty and I were not invited to, Betty calling Suzanne to sit on the front row with her at Lynn's funeral, the snub that Julie did to me when I went up to see Betty and her criticism of me, Jim Cooper and Betty Ann the day Betty had her stroke, the continued actions of Annie and her mother which led to involving Bailey, all of these have played a part including the actions of Betty and Julie saying ugly things about Emily. Looking at all this, it makes one think that we cannot get thru this and we cannot without prayer and without forgetting the hurts and moving on because it's the right thing to do.
Grief over a death, divorce or estrangement always means moving on from where we are. People die, and divorce but life continues for those left behind. The best example of people whohave not been drawn into this is Velna's children and they have clung to each other thru it all. Right now, of the siblings, the only person I feel an attachment for is Jim. I know that Jennie and Rose Marie are fine with me. I think Julia would be okay with me but I can't talk to her because of the antics of Joker and she has no time for anything else. Betty is not willing to admit to her problems and she never will be. I have showed, in my mind, that I hold no schism with her. I went to dinner with her and I went to Warren's dedication in Charleston.
I can accept the reality of all of these losses but I don't want to. I want to put the pieces of our lives back together but I don't know how or could not figure out what to do next. My prayer today is that we can find an answer between the four of us to know what to do next and then do it instinctively.
I pulled up the site about grieving and it said, "When people suggeest 'looking on the bright side" or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny those emotions. Then it willl take longer for healing to take place." The article recommends that one have a close circle of friends and family, eating a balanced diet, cutting out alcohol and getting exercise and rest.
I pray for a sense of peace for all the members of the family.
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